I am still mourning, and try as I might, I feel like I am unable to move on. Mentally I understand what I am going through, but my emotional side is having a hard time catching up with my mind. I really thought I'd be much better by now, but much to my dismay, not only I have not recovered but I seem to have sunk into a state of deep melancholy and hopelessness. People tell me that all will be well... I can see a perfect logic behind their optimistic reasoning. I just can't bring myself to believe in them.
My cards have been my companion in this journey. I try to find some wisdom and comfort in them, but as I said in a previous post, very often the messages are repetitive. All tell me to wait and endure. Don't do anything. Don't force anything.
During the last month, I found some distractions. I got busy helping my mother with the renovations in her bedroom and I began a routine of going out for lunch with my two bests friends, and their company helped me to feel better. But now these distractions have lost their effect because, until a couple of days ago, I was still looking for a solution. I was still hoping that something could be done. And now the realisation that there's nothing left, that this door is closed permanently, is finally sinking in.
I have been avoiding doing readings about the future, because it frightens me. What if I never get better? What if my heart never ever mends? What if I never feel truly happy again? What if I am unable to love again? I know these are rather pathetic what-ifs, but when you are staring at the wall with a closed door behind you and no windows, they begin to sound logical. No, not logical – probable.
Still, I decided to use my beloved Playing Card Oracles to get some insight – mostly on the present. I used the Bridge Spread, which is good for more generic readings... I didn't have any question, but I focused on my depressed mood.
My attention was immediately drawn to the 10♦ – Tendra, the lady of the fire suit. Not only she's the only card upside down, but she's also a card that I dislike, in a negative position and she has been appearing quite often to me. I had been struggling to understand her message, but today something dawned on me: Tendra is all about clinging to what you cannot have. See how she kisses the head of the dead man? He's dead... he can no longer give her love, warmth, anything. But she refuses to let him go.
That is my challenge... my painful challenge for the present. To let go, to truly let go of this dead weight I have been dragging around in my memories, in my heart. Now, let me say that it's easier said than done. Because I don't want to let go.
My gift of the present is the 9♣, "Galahad". A card of ideals and visions, if seem to go with the messages of all my other oracles. Personal sacrifice is needed in this situation, and it's unavoidable. But don't lose hope. Trust that a miracle can happen. Blah blah blah. Needless to say I felt like flushing this card down the toilet.
The past card is the 8♥, "The Garden". It makes sense... the root of all this pain was a situation of passion and intoxication. Love and an apparent paradise on Earth, that vanished. A lost paradise.
And the future? The 2♥ is called "The Lovers" and it could be good sign, promising me a future love. Or it could be bad, saying that I'll remain emotionally attached to this situation. Who knows? This is probably why you should not read the cards when your heart is weighted down by grief. It's hard to make sense of anything. But now I know: there will be no healing until I let go of that which can no longer be.