The Grail Tarot says... when home is not home.

I was going to do my daily reading with playing cards, but then I felt the need to do a... different one. Yesterday, I went to bed very sad, feeling the oppression of my own choices, wondering what to do when you simply don't know what to do. If you have a goal, that's a start! But if you can't tell anymore what your goal is? Then it gets a bit more complicated.

Ask me why I don't do a reading about this? Well... I do not believe I can read for myself about such a complicated matter. But I do believe I can still seek for some advice when it comes to my reaction to these problems.

So that's what I did. I grabbed my faithful Grail Tarot and asked the cards: What can I do to overcome this feeling to despair that takes hold of me sometimes? I got the Preceptor of Lances, known in more traditional decks as Knight of Wands.

This card shows the preceptor giving the Lance of Longinus to a younger knight, who is about to go on pilgrimage. The preceptor known the mission is difficult, and looks even a bit grim about it. In the words of John Matthews:

"A great deal has been learned so far; now this knowledge should be applied at every level of experience to bring fresh insights to the journey and help separation from worn-out ways." (p. 124)

This card is telling me that I'll only stop feeling this despair and constant frustration when I use my knowledge and creative energies to pursue a different path – even one far away from home. I am stuck in so many levels!

Then I decided to pull another card – no, not a clarifier – and ask a different question: How do I begin this journey? How to bring this change to myself? I got the Ten of Vessels.

This card shows the same young knight of the last card (the one receiving the lance), but he's now older and wiser after such a long journey, and he has become the Guardian of the Grail, a Grand Master of the Templar Order. He shares his knowledge with the new generations of knights, bothers and preceptors, finally being completely in peace with himself. He has found the Grail – he has returned home.

Now, that's interesting. The last card told me "leave your comfort zone, a journey awaits for you". But this one tells me that to begin this journey, I must start by seeking... home. Contradictory? Only on a superficial level... I believe these cards are telling me that where I am now is not my home – it's not the place to where my heart and soul belong. And this journey far away is not going to take me away from home, but bring me closer to it, to the real home, not to that pile of bricks we call "comfort zone".

I must admit I do not know how exactly to apply these cards to my life right now... I feel like my hands are tied in so many ways! But it's a start – a distant voice from far away is calling me, perhaps I should start listening to it...

When darkness lays her crimson cloak

Your lamps will call – call me home.

(Loreena McKennitt, "The Mystic's Dream")